Witty and Funny Quotes

Looking for witty and funny quotes? It doesn’t matter if it’s a clever play on words, a witty insight about ordinary life, or an old witty saying: Comedy has a way of letting us realize that we’re all going through the same things in this crazy world.

You’ll be exclaiming, “So true!” after reading these amusing statements on work, love, friendship, and family because, well, they are.

Some of your friends will bring up memories of amusing, meme-worthy movies and TV scenes.

We’ve compiled a list of witty and funny quotes. So, get your popcorn and sit tight!

​​”I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

Charles Lamb

​​”My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

Garry Shandling

​​”Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.”

Albert Einstein

“​​Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.”

Truvy Jones

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”

George Bernard Shaw

“A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.”

Paula Poundstone

“Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.”

Luis Buñuel

“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”

Alexander Woollcott

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence – then success is sure.”

Mark Twain

“An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.”

Michael Scott

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.”

Samuel L. Jackson

“As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.”

Ralphie May

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

Sir Norman Wisdom

“Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.”

Neil Gaiman

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.”

Will Ferrell

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

Jim Carrey

 “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

Phyllis Diller

“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”

Blanche Devereaux

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

Elbert Hubbard

“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”

Ellen DeGeneres

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”

Golda Meir

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

Mark Twain

“Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.”

Meryl Streep

“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”

Will Rogers

“Even don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.”

Cindy Crawford

“Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.”

P.J. O’Rourke

 “Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.”

Jim Halpert

“Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.”

Ellen DeGeneres

“Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.”

Mark Twain

“Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.”

Marcelene Cox

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?”

Phyllis Diller

“I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”

W.C. Fields

“I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.”

Pam Beesly

“I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.”

Truvy Jones

“I drink to make other people more interesting.”

Ernest Hemingway

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”

Mae West

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

Joan Rivers

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

Zach Galifianakis

“I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Kevin Malone

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”

Carrie Bradshaw

“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

Jerome K. Jerome

“I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!”

Charles M. Schulz

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”

Jean Illsley Clarke

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”

Oscar Wilde

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

Phyllis Diller

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

W.C. Fields

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”

Reese Witherspoon

“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”

Judith Martin

“I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”

Bill Watterson

“I’m not crazy – I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.”

Ouiser Boudreaux

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.”

Dolly Parton

“It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”

Dorothy Zbornak

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ”

Jerry Lewis

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”

Isaac Asimov

“Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.”

Stanley Hudson

“Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.”

Sophia Petrillo

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

Oprah Winfrey

“Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.”

Pauline Thomason

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.”

David Lee Roth

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”

Winston S. Churchill

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

Phyllis Diller

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

Will Rogers

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

Mark Twain

“No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.”

Sophia Petrillo

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

Joan Rivers

“People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.”

Dolly Parton

“People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.”

Sophia Petrillo

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

Isaac Asimov

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

Bill Watterson

“So this is my life — until I win the lottery.”

Jim Halpert

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”

Charlie Brown

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

Oscar Wilde

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”

Shirley MacLaine

“The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.”

Ann Landers

“The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”

Betty White

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”

Oscar Wilde

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.”

James Branch Cabell

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

Lucille Ball

“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”

Dolly Parton

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.”

Rita Mae Brown

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

Mindy Kaling

“Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.”

Clairee Belcher

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”

Charlotte Whitton

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”

Lily Tomlin

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

Cathy Guisewite

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

Erma Bombeck

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'”

Groucho Marx

“Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.”

Sandra Bullock

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”

Benjamin Franklin

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Albert Einstein

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

Michael Scott, The Office

“You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.”

Zig Ziglar

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

George Burns

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

Joan Rivers

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Mae West

 “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

Steve Martin

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

Graham Norton

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

Ellen DeGeneres

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

Oscar Wilde

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

Sir Norman Wisdom

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

Jack Handey

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

Will Ferrell

“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”

Lessons from the Minivan

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld)

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

Mark Twain

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

Anonymous

“Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

Neil DeGrasse Tyson

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”

Anonymous

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

Lemony Snicket

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

Jarod Kintz

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”

President Merkin Muffley

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”

Lin-Manuel Miranda

“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

David Letterman

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

George Carlin

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

Adam Gropman

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

Jay Leno

“I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”

Meme credited to Shaquille O’Neal

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

Mark Twain

“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”

Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

Bob Hope

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

Rodney Dangerfield

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

Noel Coward

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”

Carrie

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”

Anonymous

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Rita Rudner

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

Groucho Marx

“I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

Anonymous

“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

Dory

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

Les Dawson

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

Anonymous

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

Phyllis Diller

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”

Damien Fahey

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

Anonymous

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

Chandler

“I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”

Sheldon Cooper

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

Michael Scott (Steve Carrell)

“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”

Emily Charlton

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

Mitch Hedberg

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

Jack Whitehall

“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.”

Clark Griswold

 “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”

Ace Ventura

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

Claire Foster

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

Mortimer Brewster

“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

Anonymous

“Instant gratification takes too long.”

Carrie Fisher

“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”

Shelley Darlingson

“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”

Pete

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”

Dorothy Parker

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

Tina Fey

“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”

Halley Reed

“My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”

Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler)

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

Rose (Betty White)

“My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”

Shonda Rimes

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”

Maria Bamford

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

Dave Barry

“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”

Phil Connors (Bill Murray)

“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”

Frank Semyon 

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

Mark Twain

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

Groucho Marx

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”

Betty White

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

Steven Wright

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”

Erma Bombeck

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”

Midge Maisel

“The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”

Ferris Bueller 

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

Clairee Belcher

“The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”

Joe Fox

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”

Anonymous

“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”

Elise

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

Mindy Kaling

“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”

Anonymous

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

Dowager Countess Violet Crawley

“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

Surgeon (Graham Chapman)

“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”

Wanda

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

Lt. Frank Drebin

“What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”

Aunt Voula

“What the hell is that?” I laughed.
“It’s my fox hat.”
“Your fox hat?”
“Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.
“Because no one can catch the motherf***ing fox.”

John Green

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”

Harry

 “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

Larry

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

Erma Bombeck

“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.”

Dwight Schrute

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”

Lillian

“Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”

Anonymous

“Woke up today. It was terrible.”

Grumpy Cat

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

George Burns

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

Joan Rivers

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

Robin Williams

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.”

Sarah Brown

Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”

Peter (Ron Livingston) and Bob (Paul Wilson)

Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”
Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”
Individual: “I’m not!”

Brian

Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”
Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?”

Waitress

Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”

Coach and Norm

Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”
Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”

Francois and Inspector Clouseau

Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”
Fred: “Your feet?”

Lucy and Fred Mertz 

Police officer: “Pull over.”
Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”

Harry Dunne

Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”
Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”

Stan Fields and Cheryl Frasier

Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”
Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”

Ted and Dr. Rumack

Usher: “Bride or groom?”
Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”

Four Weddings and a Funeral

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